then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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