I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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