My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
