My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
