WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Randomize
