Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
