i permit you to call me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Randomize
