The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
