They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
