Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
sex in a hospital.. check
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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