I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
