I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
