my phone needs a breathalizer
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
