Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
