Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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