and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
