I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
