I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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