I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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