It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
