Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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