You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
