No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
