So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
