Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
