i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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