He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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