i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
