YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
