I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
