Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
