He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
