I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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