On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
