Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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