When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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