there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I have feelings that need drinking.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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