Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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