Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
