omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
