thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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