Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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