I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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