someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
