I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
