I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
