Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
