sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize