I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
