I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
