after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
