he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
