So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
