in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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