No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
