how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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