Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
