1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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