Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
