I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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