I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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