Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
